Tool Dictionary

[IowaZR-1]

AVIATION SNIPS: One of the family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that are more easily fit into the trash can after cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing projects.
CRAFTSMAN ½ X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bard that inexplicably has a accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bars stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the shop, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
EIGHT FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
ELECTRIC DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop-rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTORS: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in the bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
HACKSAW: See aviation snips.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Used to strike thumb nails while occasionally hitting a finish nail.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hose too short.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for the opening old-style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolts heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you need to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat in the palm of your hand.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in the about time it takes you to say “What the ….”